How To Know a Person
The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen
David Brooks begins and ends this book with the importance of being seen. He begins with “The purpose of this book is to help us become more skilled at the art of seeing others and making them feel seen, heard and understood.”
Why is this important as a parent or educator? He tells a story of a second grader who wasn’t feeling good about herself. One day her teacher told her that she really admired how she really thought about things before she spoke. This young girl changed her whole attitude about herself from that one statement by her teacher. Something she saw as negative, being slow to respond, she suddenly saw as positive. The teacher, by seeing her, changed her outlook on herself and education.
Brooks, throughout the chapters, provides insight on how to be what he calls an Illuminator, “seeing people in all their fullness.” It takes work. It includes tenderness, receptivity, active curiosity, affection, generosity and a holistic attitude – all elements of paying attention, truly observing to see the talents and see how you can encourage growth, what he calls accompaniment.
People want to be heard. They are eager to tell their story. Once, a friend and I were returning from a trip to Montana. On our flight there was a young boy sitting in the row with us. He was using his device, and my friend and I started playing some games that were available on the screen embedded in the seat back in front of us. Pretty soon we noticed him watching, and then he started offering suggestions, and then all three of us were playing the games. He began telling us that he had been to a family reunion in Montana, that he was going to college and all about his family. Two mature ladies and a young guy enjoyed a long plane ride together, and the encounter enriched us all.
At the end of the book Brooks talks about wisdom. “Wise people don’t tell you what to do; they help you process your own thoughts and emotions. They enter with you into your process of meaning-making and then help you expand it, push it along.” This sounds a lot like Vygotsky and scaffolding to me. It’s what parents and educators have done and continue to do as we see and interact with the next generation.
This article is part of our Newsletter 2025 Issue 1. See all articles.
